I didn’t really think this through.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and retelling these stories is going to be hard. I’m going to cause pain to people I care deeply for. I hope all of you understand I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the distress you’ll feel when I write about you, or when I pull back the curtain and show you what I’ve done in these few months.
Just writing these few posts has brought back every feeling, every deep, painful emotion. It’s like it’s all happening for the first time. If I’m going to keep the theme of honesty and tell all of the truth of what’s happened since Christine left me it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot.
I’m staring at my monitor through tears thinking about what I’m going to have to relive. You’d think I would be through the worst after writing about the time immediately following Christine’s death, but the worst is ahead. I have to write about the hardest day of my life. The dread and sadness I feel knowing what I’ll be experiencing is killing me. I can’t help thinking I wasn’t good enough to keep her safe, that I failed. I think this will all make sense to you when I recount that day.
Because I have to tell you about the day I told my kids I lost their mom.
6 thoughts on “Musical Interlude – Everybody Hurts, R.E.M.”
First, I’m so sorry for what happened and that you are going through all this.
Second, I do appreciate your willingness to share all this with us. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling but I know that in a way you are healing and this is part of that process.
Third, you are a very strong man and wonderful dad. Your kids are lucky to have you.
Fourth, you have friends out here so don’t you dare ever feel alone. Many of us care about you and will drop everything to help. Just ask.
Take care of yourself.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Dennis. Alone is a tough word right now. I have a lot of people in my life who love me, I know that. But I’m also missing my constant companion. That’s not something all the friends and family in the world can help me with. I think it’s time more than anything else. I thought by now things would be getting easier. They just aren’t there yet.
But again, thank you. I appreciate it.
Write the truth. Freely and with the knowledge that being an unbiased reporter in this instance is definitely *not* on the table.
So…write your emotional truth.
People don’t have to read it. You just slapped a big disclaimer on your writing from here on out. If they feel hurt about what you write about your experience…I dare say they’ve missed the point, no?
LikeLiked by 1 person
As someone who has contemplated suicide many, many, many times in the last 15 years, I can honestly tell you that none of it has anything to do with you. You’ve gotta get that through your head. We aren’t thinking about you; it’s all about US. Sure, you’re our partner and the father of our children, but when we are in the depth of our despair and the place where we feel the lowest, it’s not on you to pull us out of it. If you do, it’s only temporary. We push away, we isolate, we hate ourselves and no amount of your love will save us. Write your truth without worrying what anyone will think; we can fuck off. I love you, you bastard.
I appreciate what you’re saying. I’ve had this same talk with a lot of people and I can honestly tell you that regardless of the reason someone decides to end their own life, the ones left behind still bear guilt and pain. I’m writing this for me and for others left behind and for her all at once. These are the feelings I have had to grapple with and still struggle with. Thank you, you’re a good friend.