This trip has been good. It’s been great. It’s been terrible.
We went hard for three days at theme parks. Universal, Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom have been conquered. It was a lot of smiles, exhaustion, fun and being together as a family. Of what’s left of our family.
No matter what we did it was impossible to escape The Missing. We really are totally incomplete.
The quote from the other day ‘Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything’ sums up the cloud over all of our time together. There’s this hole. And we are unwhole. I don’t care if that isn’t a word, it perfectly describes us.
We joked a lot. Trying to keep things light. We laughed at the people with their matching t-shirts. The Cult of Disney. They read ‘Best anniversary ever’ with a matching shirt ‘Most expensive anniversary ever’. There were ‘I’m with him’ ‘I’m with her’ with Mickey fingers pointing at the other person. ‘Bride’ ‘Groom’. So many variations.
The girls thought I should get a shirt with a finger pointing up reading ‘Alone’ and they could all get shirts reading ‘My dad is single’.
‘Widower’ was also floated.
I hate that word.
We didn’t talk about Christine much, a few comments here and there. I had some moments where I had to work hard to compose myself. E had a moment today.
We were about to get on Pandora and he panicked. He sat it out while we enjoyed the five minute ride. When I stepped off he was defeated. I thought it was because he hadn’t joined us.
E: I miss mom
Of course he did. She hated coasters. She always sat out the more intense rides because of motion sickness. The two of them would spend time together. Now he sat alone.
I let him sit alone.
Don’t get me wrong, I spent the weekend missing out on the fun stuff because I couldn’t leave him by himself, but this one ride, just five minutes, I let him sit alone. I was even a little mad at him because I didn’t get to do Space Mountain or Big Thunder Railroad (is that even what it’s called?). I deserved this. And then here was my little boy, all alone when he never was before.
I just did something I haven’t done much for the last several months. I looked at their feelings. When I look back at these posts the word used most is ‘I’. Here’s how I feel. Here’s what I am doing.
I haven’t spent much time thinking about them. Or anyone else really. It’s been My Loss.
That’s where the title of this post comes from. T has been wanting to start a family blog/youtube channel capturing us after Christine.
I’ve been giving her lip service, telling her we’ll do it. But I’ve allowed myself to be distracted, not giving them the attention they deserve while I sought solace elsewhere.
One of the questions I hate the very most is ‘how are your kids doing?’. I have no idea. Not the slightest clue. I’m too involved with myself.
I’ll explore this more soon. I just had to get it out there for now. Put a pin in it.
T wants to capture OUR journey. Wants to capture OUR recovery. She named us Fierce Family. We’re a team. We’re together. She is further ahead of me, she’s thinking of Us.
So we did it. We took out first vacation under the sky, under The Absence. We made it. We’re together. We will laugh and cry and love and hate together.
We’re a #FierceFamily