Musical Interlude – Happier, Bastille and Marshmello

Hey Babe,

Yesterday was so much harder that I thought it would be. It’s like I lost you all over again. It’s all so raw and painful right now. So final.

I’m empty. I’m totally destroyed. I really don’t think I can do this without you. There’s all these people reaching out to me and offering to be there but it isn’t enough. It doesn’t lift any of the pain. There’s no respite.

I’m just sitting here totally dead.

I can’t stop thinking about you. About how much you must have hurt.

That’s why I chose that song. Happier. It isn’t a happy song. It’s someone telling a person they love that they love them so much they have to leave. That they have to go away so their beloved can finally be happy.

Every time I hear it I cry. And it’s every where.

I imagine this is what you thought. That last night when you were all alone.

Know that means I’ll have to leave
Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking
I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier
So I’ll go, I’ll go
I will go, go, go
So I’ll go, I’ll go
I will go, go, go
Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking
I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier
Even though I might not like this
I think that you’ll be happier, I want you to be happier
I think it’s what you thought. I think you were being selfless. The ultimate sacrifice for me. I think you were trying to save me from you.
You must have been so alone. So horribly sad. So totally destroyed. I wish I had been there for you, to tell you again that you’re the reason I live.
And babe, you were so totally wrong. It is so much worse without you.
I don’t know if I can make it. I don’t think I can do this.
I’m not strong enough. I’m so very weak. I need you. There’s no way to replace this. It’s just emptiness. An open wound. A bottomless pit. A void.
An absolute absence.
Great pain is repetitive. Grief is repetitive. Sherman Alexie wrote that. It’s perfect in the most horrible way.

I can’t believe how much I hurt. How dark it all is. The pain is unbearable. There’s no escape.

I thought it was getting better and now it’s so much worse. I am totally alone without you. Incomplete. Broken. I need you.

I am so sorry.

I love you.

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