Missing

I’m missing her. So much. I don’t have any idea what triggered it or why I can’t stop thinking about her. I feel so empty. So hollow.

I hate this life.

3 thoughts on “Missing

  1. I have *no* frame of reference for what you’re feeling. Absolutely zero.
    I’m sorry for the circumstances that are creating this feeling for you, life without C. I sincerely hope that you’re hating life without her, not life itself. The difference terrifies me.
    Please, please, please…vent. Scream into the WWVoid all you want to until your fingers are raw, if that’s what gets you through. But please, don’t scare the people rooting for you with careless words.
    Because I *will* call you on it.
    You’re very loved, buddy. Never let the pain you feel over C allow you to forget that.
    Or I *will* come up there. No one wants that. Seriously, ask anyone on the street.
    You: “Do you want Galby to come up here?”
    Any Old Stranger: “God, no!”

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  2. I don’t know you, but a family member shared this blog with me as they thought it might be helpful to see another person’s experience. My best friend and soulmate of 24 years took his own life less than three weeks ago, 2 days after your most recent post on 14-July.
    Your wife sounds lovely and I can tell at least that your pain is still sharp.
    Glancing down through the earliest posts I at least recognize the pain, regret, guilt and anguish in your words. No two experiences are the same, so I would never assume to know how you feel… even after some passing of time. I just wanted to let you know I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
    Having just three weeks behind me, I am absolutely numb and grasping at any others that might be able to help me understand this and how to make my way forward in life. I never want to be over him, but need to find a path to some sort of peace.
    Thank you again for sharing, and I will read your thoughts over the next several weeks.
    Wishing you peace,
    J

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    1. Oh James. Thank you for reaching out to me. I wish so much I had something to tell you or give you that would make you feel better. But as we both know that thing doesn’t exist. I am truly crushed to hear you lost him. And right now numb is normal. You’re going to go through periods where you feel nothing, where you feel like you could have done something differently, where you’re going be angry, where you will want to cry so badly but for some reason you can’t and somehow that makes it worse. Each memory will be touched with pain for some time.

      You’re right, our experiences aren’t the same and we’ll feel different things, but in my experience things get different. Not better, but different. You don’t need to worry about ever being over him, you won’t be, but you will also find peace. Not all the time, at least not for me yet, but I do have pockets of peace.

      I don’t want to give you advice, I’m sure you’re getting plenty, but the biggest mistakes I made was closing off my feelings for fear of the pain, and pushing away the people who loved me.

      I’m also here for you in anyway I can be: agentkooper AT gmail.com – please don’t hesitate to reach out and we can share contact information.

      Wishing you those pockets of peace,

      – Ben

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