Saturday was difficult. I woke up feeling very low. I couldn’t summon the strength to get myself out of bed. It was too much effort to even think about it.
I can’t tell you why Saturday of all days was like this. What combination of factors was making me unwilling to start my day? The holidays could be part of it. Maybe it’s because this is the first day in months that I didn’t have anything I needed to do. No work, no soccer, no scouts, no plans. Nothing.
I used to cherish these rare days. Rather, Christine and I did. Now it’s just giving my mind more free time.
I lay there. I flipped through every social media platform I use, trying to find distraction. Nothing worthwhile.
That’s a big thing right now. Trying to find anything to take my mind off her for a few minutes. Not ignore her like before, but just a few moments of respite.
I rely on friends, but I don’t want to over burden them, so now I’ve started conversations with people I’ve never met in real life. Weird, I know. Some of these people are Christine’s friends from work, some are people that reached out to me after reading something here, there’s people from the ‘wids’ group I’m in on Facebook.
Then the same thing happens. I stop sending messages because I don’t want to wear that person down, but of course I’m so excited when they reach out.
A lot of it is also desire to have an intimate relationship with someone. By that I mean a companion. Someone I can bounce texts with, talk about the weekend, how much it sucks to pay a mortgage, fatherhood stuff.
I don’t have one of those.
After social media failed me I watched the slideshow video on my phone. This always hurts so much. It’s also one of the only ways I can really connect with her. The live pictures allow for sound and a couple seconds of video.
I didn’t realize until she passed away I didn’t have any video with her, or very little at least. These tiny snippets are what I have left.
In one she’s taking a selfie, and makes this funny face suddenly.
Today I laughed. I haven’t done that before.
My favorite one is where she’s looking at the camera and then her eyes drift down and this incredibly intent smile spreads across her face. I smiled back.
I needed to get up, get the kids food, pack for my trip. I couldn’t compel myself.
Me: Get up, get dressed, get moving
I repeated it. I repeated it again. Ten more times.
I put my phone down and got up.
It took me 45 minutes to shower and get dressed. I usually do this in less than 15. I kept forgetting what I was doing. But I did it.
T and E were watching TV. I got them something to eat.
My hair needed to be cut. I walked outside. I drove to the barber shop.
And kept driving. I was listening to music that reminded me of Christine and decided in that moment I would go visit her gravesite. Which is dumb because half of her ashes are sitting on her nightstand. Whatever.
I was listening to Billie Eilish ‘you should see me in a crown’. I’ve been listening to it a lot. There’s one line that sticks out everytime:
‘Tell me which one is worse
Living or dying first’
I don’t pretend to know what she intends with that lyric, but I answer ‘living’ every time.
Wid brain in effect. I can’t keep a straight narrative.
I pulled up to the gravesite and turned off my car. When I do that the CarPlay stops playing and the radio comes through the speakers.
‘Happier’ by Bastille and Marshmello was playing. Of course. Of course it fucking was.
‘I will go go go’.
I had a breakdown, holding onto my steering wheel like a life preserver.
But it also felt… special? Like it was the right song.
This is the first time I’ve visited since the burial. Did you know there isn’t a manual about what you’re supposed to do?
Me: Hey Babe, a lot’s been happening…
I was only there for probably 15 minutes. Should probably bring a chair next time. I mostly told her about what’s going on with the kids, what she’s missing out on and then finally asking her for some comfort and relief.
Strangely enough, I felt better. I kept moving.
The night has definitely been better. Got food for K to eat while I’m gone, ran a few errands, got back to the barbershop.
My hairdresser today was trying to convince me to go to a medium. That was WEIRD.
She was so into it.
Sometimes I’m thankful for these easier stretches, like tonight. The problem is they also give me hope that it’s getting easier, and then it doesn’t.
I’m flying out early for a week working in Costa Rica. Just like Ireland there will be many Christine reminders. More goodbyes to say.
On to the next day.